charmed

keys

dad

is making me feel like total … nothing

first he asks me to hang around waiting for my step-mother’s midwifing-license (which was suspended) to be couriered - then he sighs when I say I have to leave at twelve thirty then he makes bitchy comments when I say I’m leaving early (11:40) because OH YEAH, IF YOU REMEMBERED, I need a new bra I’m going on leavers tomorrow

and I say all this in a nice tone albeit perhaps a little defensive

and he says,

“when you get back from leavers we’re going to have a talk about your contribution to the household”

“what, picking up couriers?”

“picking up after yourself would be a good start”

I assume this comment is directed at 1) the two books, two calenders, notebook and pair of shoes I left in the lounge OOH MESS and 2) I don’t know maybe the kitchen? the bathroom is the only place I really create a mess in a place that other people have to go and, whatever, fine, you want me to fucking clean the bathroom?

“picking up after yourself would be a good start”

AS IF THAT’S WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU

ou’re just pissed because the fucking stepmother’s fucking license might, ooh, I don’t know, not be picked up well fuck you dad ;_; okay, I’m staying home until it fucking gets delivered I’ll text my friends if I’m running late, right?

fuck you :’(

argh I am really close to actual tears

YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BE ANGRY AT ME

and you can’t get angry just before leavers 1) you’ll be all “oh it’s so lovely without ash around” 2) in fact you probably won’t even say bye, or just be like “yeah bye” 3) I still need funding for it ! only source of income, you idiot

this is so gay I never fight with my dad so this sounds so stupid and unimportant but I am really really upset and I want to be swallowed by the earth right now :’(

hung

hold your head high heavy heart?

it’s like I was just just just hit with a hangover from friday night; it hurts to be horizontal and vertical, so I’m trying to make do with a 45 degree angle. we’ll see how it goes. today I was meant to venture out of town, but I ended up venturing and staying withinto it. I feel sick from my hair to my hairless feet and I really wish the house was quieter. perhaps I should sleep. perhaps I should put on a movie. I’m currently surrounded quite literally by CDs, at least 130 I’m sure. I’m currently surrounded by wellwishers greeting me with happy birthday and asking that old question, what did you get. I don’t like saying what my mother got me, but I loathe saying what my father got me. caught in between those who spend too much and those who spend a smaller amount on an ecclectic selection.

I have a tumblr because I feel I can be less abstract here. because I don’t have to shade everything I’m saying with meaning and eloquence, because I can just talk.

welcome to the day after the day after your birthday;

this is when reality really comes flooding back.

my head hurts.